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Rainbows Alumna Shares Her Journey

I’m thinking about starting a company called … “Widow Wear” or heck, I could probably call it “Grieving Garb” and include everyone. 

Lily took this picture this morning and said “we have hit a new low… the robe AND the jacket”. We laughed and she said it jokingly, but there is a hint of truth in it. More than a hint… it’s obviously not about the robe, but that our life has changed forever and we have hit lows we didn’t even know we could have, especially little girls who don’t have a life of experiences and would never imagine they could experience the kind of loss that they did. I can’t tell the whole story today, it’s very difficult to recall and I have to get to work, but I can tell you that the night I told them about Michael and Dutch, before I said those words I watched them. They had no idea what was coming… I watched their lightness, their bright eyes as they played, threw a volleyball around, sang and danced around their Dads house.

I knew I had to tell them something that would change the rest of their life. I knew that it would take their innocence and make them aware of the fragility of life and that our nearest and dearest can be taken at any moment. We are promised no time at all, just right here and right now. The holy instant. 

Having this knowledge and then telling them was the hardest moment of my life, harder then telling them about the divorce.

I knew Jack had this moment the day before and I imagine it was probably his mother’s hardest moment of her life. 

Here’s what I also knew, in the depths of that darkness and unimaginable pain… 
I knew we would be ok. 
I knew I would hold their little hands through this and even sometimes carry them.
I knew they would need to borrow my light to brighten up their darkness and I knew I would need to borrow theirs too.
I knew I would teach them to choose love over fear. 
I knew we would honor Michael and go through the work to get back to “our big beautiful life”.
I knew that God had us and held us that night and I know he still does. 
He is right here and right now, all encompassing, in all that’s peaceful, loving and perfect. 
I knew that, yet I still had to take the step and tell my noodles that they lost two great teachers of love in Michael and Dutch and a life they once knew. 

What I didn’t know???
That I would ever leave the house looking like this